Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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