mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
