Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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