As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
