after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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