Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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