how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
