Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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