I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
