The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
