pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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