wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
