I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
