T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Randomize
