I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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