ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
