Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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