mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
