hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
