Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
