don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
