Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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