Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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