So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
