Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
