Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
