hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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