I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
