A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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