I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
