totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
