my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
