I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I faked an abortion last night.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
