I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
