what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
