One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
