We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
