I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
