Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
