now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
