Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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