hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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