Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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