did you get engaged???
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
