Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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