3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
