dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
