So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
