Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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