When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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