Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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