Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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